


october firefly

by hibouxx



Series: Fireflies [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Brief mentions of sexual content, Endgame Yujae, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Multi, Pining, Slow Burn, Taeyong needs a hug, Time Skips, Unrequited Love, tattoo artist taeyong, tattoo artist ten, yuta is a MESS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25224391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hibouxx/pseuds/hibouxx
Summary: Jaehyun came into their lives as Doyoung’s shy, unassuming boyfriend and somewhere along the way, became more than that. He became much more to Yuta, even if he doesn’t know that just yet.orYuta falls in love over the course of years as he watches the relationships around him come apart and rebuild themselves.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Series: Fireflies [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1872727
Comments: 45
Kudos: 198





	october firefly

**Author's Note:**

> So I posted the unedited draft earlier by mistake, if you've read that one please feel free to see this one again since I fixed some mistakes.
> 
> Inspiration hit me hard on this one and I ended up writing it over four days, some of the scenes were written while I'm commuting to work that's why there's a few disjointed details I had to fix.
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy!

When Yuta meets Jaehyun for the first time, he has a piece of cabbage stuck to his teeth from the kimchi Taeyong forcefully fed him for breakfast. It happens like this: Doyoung’s birthday is a few days ago but because Yuta is forgetful, it slips his mind completely until it’s too late to get him anything. So he must now make up to Doyoung by getting him his favourite, highly acclaimed, hard to get set of twelve blueberry tarts from the bakery a few blocks away from their dorm. Exactly twelve.

He sets out at an ungodly hour on a Saturday and still arrives to be the seventh person in the queue after trudging through slushy snow and nearly breaking his head on the icy sidewalks. As his luck would have it, they’re only able to give him ten of the blueberry tarts, having ran out of it by the time he reaches the counter, and the next batch won’t be until midday, where he has to queue up for god knows how long again. “Don’t you have any…leftover from like, yesterday? I need exactly twelve.” He practically begs, at this point, yuta isn’t above taking the plastic display just so he doesn’t have to risk hearing Doyoung nag for an hour straight. He can always pretend to drop it and quickly chuck it in the bin before Doyoung can find out. The owner looks at him like he’s said something highly offensive, he probably has.

“Hey...” a guy around his age interrupts, Yuta recognises him as the one directly in front of him in the queue, holding out a small box printed with the bakery’s logo with a noticeable squint, “you can have mine, if you don’t mind.”

“Really!? Thank you! You really saved me there...But I don’t have cash with me...” Yuta’s already celebrating his unexpected victory when he deflates at the thought of robbing another student, assuming he’s as pathetically broke as Yuta.

“No, that’s okay, I’ve been thinking of trying another flavour anyway and I can’t really return this.”

“If that’s the case, I owe you one.” He’s about to ask for the stranger’s name when the guy’s phone goes off and he excuses himself from Yuta with a shy smile. A cursory glance to the windows lets him know it’s started snowing again and he curses under his breath, rushing out of the crowded bakery before snow piles up enough to get his socks wet. He doesn’t have enough clean ones to change into.

He’s already in the elevator to their floor when he runs his tongue over his teeth out of habit, and discovers in horror that a tiny piece of kimchi has become lodged between his front teeth. He pales at the recollection of the guy from the bakery and his narrowed eyes as he appraised Yuta.

When he gets back to the dorm, he finds Taeyong lounging in the tight space of their living room with a bag of jellies on his lap and some boring documentary playing on the TV, he hisses at him for not telling Yuta about the kimchi to which he replies, “I didn’t see it. You locked me out of the bathroom remember?” Yuta forgives him, because, well, he has a point.

“Where’s Dons?” Yuta finally asks when he realises Doyoung’s favourite pair of sneakers are missing from the entrance. He sets the box of tarts on their tiny dinner table in mild exasperation.

“He left to have breakfast with the guy he’s been seeing.”

*

The second time Yuta meets Jaehyun is a month after the incident at the bakery, when Doyoung walks to their designated table at the campus cafeteria with a red-cheeked boy in tow. Doyoung looks nervous, which is very out of character for him and Jaehyun looks embarrassed out of his mind. Beside Yuta, Taeyong tenses at the sight of the pair and he pretends not to see the way the older’s fingers clenches around his drink.

“Guys, I want you to meet Jaehyun.” Doyoung’s eyes flit between them before he pushes the reluctant boy forward. He’s wearing glasses, Yuta notes in relief. He hadn’t been squinting because he thinks Yuta’s a helpless slob.

“My boyfriend.” Their bestfriend adds for good measure in case the blush across Jaehyun’s face isn’t enough indication.

“Hello. It’s nice to finally meet you.” Jaehyun says, eyes flickering to Yuta in a flash of recognition. Yuta smiles at him and assumes he already knows their names by the way he addresses Taeyong next. When Taeyong returns the smile, Yuta releases the breath he doesn’t realise he’s been holding. Under the table, he gives Taeyong’s thigh a squeeze.

*

Jaehyun turns out to be Doyoung’s longest, most serious relationship by far. While Doyoung doesn’t do flings like Yuta, nor is he picky with his partners like Taeyong, he has a terrible habit of trying to best himself in everything (mostly academics) and ends up neglecting whatever relationships he has. His last boyfriend is a guy from Yuta and Taeyong’s department who’s a little too free-spirited, a little too loud, nothing like the type Doyoung normally goes for. Predictably, the relationship ends on a sour note only a few weeks after they start dating.

Then comes Jaehyun. He’s younger than the three of them by two years and has a lot more in common with Doyoung than most of his ex-boyfriends: they’re both straight-laced students with a moral compass of a saint, not to mention they can both be a bit of a prude at times, which Yuta is thankful for because that means PDA is never an issue. Their dorm is already too tiny to have any semblance of privacy.

Jaehyun’s studying business and it makes sense when they find out he comes from a fairly well-to-do family. Yuta thinks they match each other well and Jaehyun is a genuinely nice guy to be around — funny without trying very hard and quiet but full of deep thoughts, not to mention his above average looks — so he roots for Jaehyun, quietly cheering him on while he slowly unravels Doyoung’s many complexities.

Even Taeyong has warmed up to him, despite his reservations. Jaehyun doesn’t have many friends around his age and prefers to hang around them in his free time so they gradually adopt him into their little group without even realising it. Before they know it, Jaehyun has become Taeyong’s gaming buddy and Yuta’s go-to model for some of his portraits. Doyoung is happy with how easily Jaehyun fits into their dynamics because like this, he doesn’t have to split his time between his boyfriend and bestfriends and their dates often turn into get togethers.

“We can pretend it’s a double date.” Doyoung jokes to Taeyong’s chagrin while Yuta makes kissy faces at his other friend in response.

When the couple celebrates their sixth month together in Lotteria with Yuta and Taeyong tagging along for the promise of free food, Yuta remembers watching Doyoung and Jaehyun kiss for the first time in front of them, over greasy burgers and lukewarm coke, so embarrassingly in love and happy, and he wonders sullenly how that feels like.

*

“You’re alone again today?” Taeyong asks when they find Jaehyun on his own at their usual place at the cafeteria. His building is on the other side of the campus and it makes his devotion to spending lunchtime with Doyoung all the more impressive, especially considering their breaks only overlap for a brief twenty minutes before Jaehyun has to run back to class.

“Doyoung will be a bit late, he has to stay back for a group discussion.” Yuta doesn’t miss the way Jaehyun’s little smile strains around the corners. Taeyong takes a seat next to the younger, stealing a fry from his tray that doesn’t look like it’s been touched just yet. The ice in his coffee has long since melted.

“You should eat, I don’t think he’ll be arriving any time soon.” The shorter man says when he’s done raiding Jaehyun’s food, nudging the younger lightly to get his point across.

“It’s exam week, Doyoung always gets a little frazzled around this time.” Yuta supplies as he slaps Taeyong’s hand away from his own food, “I told you to buy your own.” he takes his eyes off Jaehyun briefly to squawk at his best friend who doesn’t so much as flinch. The general rule is to never mess with a starving art student’s food. (‘you know I’m saving for a new tablet…” Taeyong explains pitifully and Yuta relents anyway, splitting his bibimbap between them.)

“I know, he told me. I was just trying my luck since I haven’t seen him at all this week.” The youngest chuckles at the bantering pair.

“I’m sure you’ll have him back again soon, for now you’ll just have to settle with us.” Yuta shrugs. He doesn’t really mind it this way from time to time too, after all, the couple tends to get too engrossed with each other when they’re together and often Yuta feels like it’s just him and Taeyong whenever they’re hanging out. That and Yuta likes to take advantage of the times Doyoung isn’t able to monopolise all of Jaehyun’s attention, happy to use his cherubic features for his sketches.

“What do you think about hanging out at the dorm after your class? You can wait for Doyoung there.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.” Jaehyun’s lips twitches in a smile, already looking less miserable than before.

*

If anyone were to ask Yuta to describe Jaehyun in one word, the very first thing that comes to mind is _‘loyal’_. He reminds Yuta of their family dog in Osaka whenever he’s following Doyoung around with a pleased look on his face, especially on days Doyoung is less pissy and more affectionate. Those days are few and far in between recently, with all the pressure Doyoung’s under.

“You should go back.” Doyoung reprimands Jaehyun when the latter ends up skipping one of his classes in favour of tagging along on their movie night. Having different majors and being in different years mean finding time to meet each other is another struggle to add on to the growing list of reasons why Jaehyun finds himself more and more inclined to do things he normally wouldn’t. Like skipping classes. Doyoung, understandably, doesn’t appreciate the sentiment.

“Let him be, he’s been waiting forever to spend time with you.” Taeyong argues, not the slightest bit afraid of inciting Doyoung. If anything, Taeyong thrives on the effect his straightforward nature has on the younger.

“We see each other every day on campus.”

“Yeah, for like five minutes before you have to scurry back to your study buddies.” Unsurprisingly, they end up arguing and Yuta pulls Jaehyun to the side so he doesn’t get caught in between the crossfire. In the end, Doyoung walks out halfway through the movie they’ve been planning to see for months, leaving a confused Jaehyun and fuming Taeyong behind. Yuta is too used to this to be bothered, he lives with them, he’s seen them throw cereal at each other over something as petty as a missing sock.

He does feel bad for Jaehyun though, all that effort for nothing. So when Taeyong heads back to the dorm earlier, presumably to try and make up with Doyoung, leaving them on their own, Yuta offers, “Why don’t we get ice cream before we go back. There’s a good place around here.”

“That sounds good.” Jaehyun still looks pretty bummed and Yuta can’t blame him, he also feels like he’s wasted his money on the ticket because he doesn’t even remember the plot of the goddamn movie. Jaehyun’s mood does a complete one eighty however when they arrive at the ice cream shop and finds the sugar cones on half-price discount.

It’s times like this that Yuta’s reminded that Jaehyun is every bit as simple as Doyoung is complicated.

*

Taeyong and Doyoung’s fight lasts longer than normal. They avoid each other as best as they can within their cramped dorm space, and they manage pretty well, considering their different schedules and Taeyong’s new part-time job at a computer shop. Jaehyun looks at him in question every time he sees him because Doyoung‘s foul mood apparently bleeds into their time together too.

One of their plastic dining chairs ends up being collateral damage in their version of a two-week-long cold war and Johnny screams at them from next door to keep it down when a second chair comes close to following the fate of the first one. Yuta finally breathes a sigh of relief when he finds them hugging it out on Taeyong’s bed by the end of it. Taeyong doesn’t tell him the details, simply pinching Yuta’s cheek with a rueful, “Doyoung will be Doyoung."

*

They celebrate their first new year with Jaehyun at their dorm. Yuta doesn’t go back to Osaka that year because he has too many things due after the holidays and Doyoung’s family is staying in Gangwon-do for a month. Taeyong’s family lives in Seoul so he drops by to have dinner before rushing back to the dorms to do the countdown with them.

Their neighbours, Johnny, Xuxi and Kun come over for the party and they move their furniture around to make room for a dance off Taeyong suggests on a whim. They’re all a little more than tipsy and Kun excuses himself from the absurdity by appointing himself as the judge.

Doyoung gripes about the obvious disadvantage of facing off against Yuta and Taeyong before Johnny comes up with the brilliant idea of doing pairs. Jaehyun doesn’t care much for dancing so his boyfriend has to physically haul him off one of their last remaining dining chairs while Johnny whips his phone out, somehow still sober enough to choose a song.

Doyoung refuses to lose so he pushes Jaehyun to Yuta and claims Taeyong as his partner despite his protests. Jaehyun sags beside Yuta and at first he thinks it’s because he’d been looking forward to dancing with Doyoung but then he realises it’s because he also wants to partner up with Taeyong in a sudden bout of competitiveness.

“Screw you guys” Yuta hisses but he doesn’t complain when Jaehyun pulls him to the side, and pulls up his playlist. He unapologetically selects Everything by Michael Bublé.

“Do you know how to ballroom dance?” Yuta asks incredulously to which Jaehyun chuckles a no. They practice in the tiny dorm kitchen for a total of fifteen minutes, picking up their pace as they get more comfortable with the inevitable touching before Doyoung starts drunkenly calling for them. Taeyong and Doyoung go first and they pick a Pussycat Dolls remix that somehow fits their personalities. Doyoung looks unsure the entire time, his hesitation is amplified by the alcohol in his system but Taeyong knows what he’s doing and he leads them perfectly with the beat and a hand on Doyoung’s waist. Yuta sees Johnny with his camera out and hears Doyoung’s warnings against uploading anything online.

Kun ends up taking their phones away just to be sure, before Jaehyun and Yuta go next. Jaehyun is a little taller than him and he’s also clumsy with his feet so he ends up stepping on Yuta’s too many times. They giggle through the entire song because Yuta’s ticklish and Jaehyun holds onto his hips too tightly to be natural. It’s a little awkward because this is the first time they’ve been so close but Yuta knows they’ll forget most of it anyway come morning.

“Hey! That’s cheating!” Doyoung says over Taeyong’s laughter when he sees Yuta slipping a five thousand won bill to Kun at the end of their turn. 

Xuxi and Johnny’s turn goes way above PG-13 (all thanks to Johnny) and Doyoung starts chucking potato chips in their direction when Johnny refuses to stop even after Jaehyun unplugs the speakers, going even as far as sexy dancing in front of Kun in mock seduction.

“You guys are a riot…” Jaehyun says, still breathless but eyes twinkling with mirth.

*

“Jaehyun is cool, isn’t he?” Taeyong softly says one evening when the dimpled boy picks Doyoung up from their dorm for dinner. He's cuddled next to Yuta on the couch, watching reruns of Taeyong’s favourite anime dubbed in Korean. Yuta slips his hand into Taeyong’s.

“He is.”

“He takes care of Doyoung so well…”

“He does.” Yuta pauses, giving their linked hands a squeeze, “and you do too.”

*

They’re in their last year of college when things start to get rocky for the couple. Now that they’re long past the initial stage of the relationship, Doyoung has become more short with Jaehyun and Jaehyun, for his part, has stopped trying to please his boyfriend at every turn. Yuta sees it in the way the younger has stopped coming to their dorm to wait for Doyoung to finish his study sessions and how he’s stopped bothering to order Doyoung’s favourite iced tea for him during lunch, now used to him not showing up until the very last minute when the tea has already gone warm.

It’s around this time that Yuta starts seeing an exchange student from Canada. Yuta doesn’t do relationships, anyone who knows him well enough knows that. It isn’t that he’s been put off by any past experience, it’s just that he hasn’t met anyone who’s made him feel ready to commit. Doyoung and Jaehyun may have helped him rethink his stance on it but he’s still treading on unfamiliar waters so he doesn’t say anything to his friends until he’s really sure about the guy. Victor is charming and fun and full of surprises; he dresses in loud colours and noisy prints, wears skinny jeans on the daily, and hypes up Yuta’s love for piercings and eyeliners. Yuta gets his belly button pierced with Victor, during one of their many drunken escapades.

Taeyong is of course the first to find out; first from the new piercing (Yuta never gets new piercings alone, all of his cartilage piercings were witnessed by either Taeyong or Doyoung) and second from the giddy smiles he can’t help every time his phone vibrates with a new message.

“I’m glad you’re trying this out.” Taeyong beams at him, softly tucking a stray strand of hair behind Yuta’s ear. Yuta earnestly hopes he can say the same for him but he knows that what Taeyong wants is something that’s far out of his reach.

Doyoung and Jaehyun find out at the same time and Doyoung all but tackles him to the floor in excitement, “See, this is why I didn’t tell you guys. We’re not even officially together,” _yet_ , he wants to add but Doyoung is already fishing for details, drowning out Taeyong’s warnings when he nearly knees him in the groin in his enthusiasm.

“I’m happy for you, hyung.” Jaehyun says over the ruckus, eyes crinkling from the force of his smile. Yuta notes that they’ve lost that characteristic twinkle in them and wonders if it has anything to do with how he’s not holding Doyoung around the waist like he always does when his boyfriend gets too animated.

*

The thing with Victor doesn’t work out. Yuta should’ve seen it coming really, Victor reminds him of waves — crawling gently to the shore, gurgling with the strength of his passion, unpredictable, overwhelming and always changing. He’s nothing like a Jaehyun, who to Yuta, is like a constant, predictable presence, like the calm to Doyoung’s endless ripples.

On his eighth glass of beer, hunched over the bar and only half sitting on the barstool, he mulls over the fact that he isn’t anything like Doyoung either. He’s every bit like Victor, only, he wants to be more than just a fleeting wave to someone. He’s barely able to stand without swaying when he sends a text to Doyoung. He knows Taeyong is on shift and he _knows_ Taeyong will not hesitate to drop everything to go to him. But Yuta doesn’t want him fired over some stupid fling that he wanted too much from.

Doyoung arrives with Jaehyun half an hour later, paying his remaining tab before he drags Yuta to Jaehyun’s new car. He remembers crying when he’s deposited in the backseat before he’s gathered into a hug. Yuta knows it’s Jaehyun from the perfume he has religiously worn from the very first day he’s known him. Doyoung left to fetch a bottle of water from a nearby convenience store, leaving Jaehyun in charge.

“He’s not worth it…” Jaehyun says, letting Yuta drench his t-shirt with a mix of snot and tears. He doesn’t complain when Yuta nearly head butts him trying to get comfortable against the younger’s shoulder, “you’re too good for him anyway.” he continues in time with the circles he’s rubbing on Yuta’s back. He feels the quiet rumble of Jaehyun’s chest against his and wallows in the comfort he offers.

His sobs have quieted to hiccups when Doyoung returns with the water, taking Jaehyun’s place beside Yuta to brush his damp bangs out of his face, “You’re gonna be okay.” He says and Yuta really hopes he’s right.

*

“Do you think I’m that difficult to like?” Yuta asks Jaehyun when they’re alone in the dorm, both Taeyong and Doyoung are stuck in the rain because the bus is running late and Jaehyun’s car is at the workshop.

“That’s the farthest thing from the truth, hyung.” Jaehyun says it with such a straight face that Yuta almost believes it. Except he knows himself better, knows that he’s a perpetual case of a hit or miss.

*

The breakup comes in the most inopportune time. They’re three weeks away from graduation and Doyoung has just received his acceptance for Yonsei’s graduate programme. Yuta knows that things have started to change between them, he knows about the frequent fights because Doyoung isn’t very good at hiding how he feels; Jaehyun looks more tired recently but he’s not vocal with his thoughts like Doyoung is. Everything has been a little off with them for a while but Yuta honestly thought they would pull through it like they do every time.

Yuta feels terrible because he and Taeyong have been a part of that relationship too and he’s certain that things will never be the same between the four of them. Doyoung is difficult to be with in the sense that he doesn’t see relationships the same Jaehyun does. Jaehyun will always come second to his responsibilities and while Doyoung is sweet and kind and full of love to give under his rough surface, even those aren’t enough reason for the younger to stay.

Jaehyun is still in love with him, that much is obvious because Yuta sees the hurt in his eyes when he sees him for the first time after the breakup. It isn’t a pretty sight and Yuta’s not Taeyong, he doesn’t always know the right thing to say, so he listens instead.

“I’m sorry hyung, I don’t want to to do this but I can’t continue like this anymore.” he’s sorry for hurting Doyoung but there’s not a hint of regret in his tone, he’s in pain but he’s steadfast in his decision. Jaehyun knows what he wants, even if it’s no longer Doyoung. Yuta’s heart aches for his friend but he also knows there’s only so much Jaehyun can take.

He remembers the night it happened, when Doyoung came back to the dorm with puffy eyes and a red nose, going about his business like there’s absolutely nothing wrong in the world. It’s only when Taeyong came home with two packs of beer did he start bawling. He cried for hours and it’s the most Yuta’s ever seen him weep for anyone, agonising over the fact that Jaehyun is really done this time. He won’t ask the younger to take him back, Doyoung said, because Jaehyun deserves to be happy and he’s stopped being happy with Doyoung for a long time. The memory still hurts; Yuta hates seeing Doyoung miserable and the image of Jaehyun with downcast eyes and tight lips isn’t any better.

“I hope nothing will change between us.” Jaehyun says after letting Yuta buy him ice cream from the same place he took him to after that movie night Taeyong accidentally ruined. Yuta should say _no, things will definitely change_ , because it isn’t fair for Doyoung and Doyoung is his friend first before Jaehyun, but he knows that’s not the case anymore.

Jaehyun came into their lives as Doyoung’s shy, unassuming boyfriend and somewhere along the way, became more than that. He became much more to Yuta, even if he doesn’t know that just yet.

“Of course.” He tells him instead, wiping Jaehyun’s tears with his sleeves the same way he does for Taeyong and Doyoung.

*

On their graduation day, Jaehyun drives to their dorm past midnight and brings a bouquet of blue and purple primroses. Doyoung is already fast asleep, three consecutive all-nighters and the recent breakup doing a number on him.

Yuta is up but only because he’d fallen asleep on the couch and is the first to hear the series of knocks.

“Give this to him, hyung.” Jaehyun says, his voice scratchy from lack of use. Yuta can’t imagine that there’s any flower shop open at this time of the night so he’s pretty sure Jaehyun’s been waiting around the whole day to give it. It was a shame that Doyoung hadn’t been the one sleeping on the couch.

Or, perhaps Jaehyun never intended to face Doyoung in the first place.

* 

Taeyong finds a job at a tattoo parlour where he later becomes a favourite right after college. He’s the luckiest in terms of employment, his sketches taking up an entire wall in the shop and Yuta is happy that at least two of them are doing well.

It’s been months since the last time they managed to have a meal together, all three of them. Doyoung has barely any time to spare between his TA duties and graduate school and Yuta’s bouncing between unemployment and freelancing at a few small publishing companies. It isn’t exactly the life he imagined for himself after college but he’ll take what he can get, especially in an industry saturated with talents that have nowhere to go.

“How’s he doing?” Doyoung asks like clockwork after their meal and Yuta knows the question is directed to him because Taeyong isn’t even paying attention to them, glued to his phone like he’s expecting this exact conversation and just wants to avoid it at all cost. He’s probably texting that guy from work he always talks about, the one whose drawings he says remind him of Yuta’s back in the day. 

“Okay, I guess. He got hired as an intern in some big company in Ganghwamun.” It’s been years since they parted ways but it’s obvious that Doyoung has never fully let go. _It’s the guilt_ , Taeyong told him once, _because he knows he could’ve done better with Jaehyun._ That might be true, or Doyoung is just the type of person who holds onto the past to justify his present. They were together for two years and Jaehyun was everything to him in those two years. Yuta doesn’t know what that’s like but he’s sure Doyoung’s feelings are far from straightforward.

“That’s good to know.”

While Doyoung manages to hold a few relationships in between his still packed schedule (that’s one thing that’s never changed) it’s obvious that none of it came close to what he had with Jaehyun. They’ve seen each other a few times since the breakup, it can’t be helped especially when they share two mutual friends between them. Many things have changed since college but Jaehyun’s presence in their lives isn’t one of them.

He was there when Taeyong celebrated his twenty fifth birthday in a bar in Gangnam. Taeyong invited all of his coworkers and a few highschool friends so the party got a little over the top and there’s enough people in the booth and on the dance floor that Doyoung doesn’t have to see Jaehyun at every glance. 

He was there when Yuta moved into his own studio apartment in a seedy part of Seoul, helping him unpack, clean up, and pick the colour of his furniture. He’d been there to see Yuta’s hair change from brown to red and finally to an eye catching silver.

Jaehyun never really left, Doyoung just had to learn to live in his orbit.

*

“Hyung you should get actual glasses.” Jaehyun tells him when he comes over after Yuta finishes working on a small project for an online stationery company, it’s nothing extraordinary but it makes him enough money to last until he gets a better offer.

“Why should I, the cups work just fine.” Jaehyun raises one of the said cups to eye level, tipping it so Yuta can see the leftover wine drying at the bottom. Jaehyun has long since stopped wearing his glasses and without them, he looks more intimidating. He’s changed so much over the years, no longer the lanky boy with round cheeks and infectious smile. Like this, standing in the middle of Yuta’s kitchen, he looks every bit the man he’s grown into.

“My point still stands.” Yuta says firmly, settling his weight on the two-seater couch they picked up from a discount shop in his first week at his apartment. From the corner of his eyes he sees Jaehyun pick up the clothes he discarded in haste that morning. He would’ve done that if he still has any energy left.

“I’m not paying you for housekeeping, you know.” He shouts over the whirring of the fan when Jaehyun chucks them to his laundry basket, the tower of dirty clothes dangerously close to toppling.

“It’s okay, you can just buy me ice cream when you get your pay.” Jaehyun makes so much more than he does even as an intern but he’s never offered to pay for any of Yuta’s meals even during his worst days when he lives off cup noodles and packaged kimbap. Taeyong and Doyoung tend to do that and he knows they mean well but if anything, it only wounds his already dwindling self-esteem.

So Yuta appreciates the gesture, and appreciates Jaehyun’s efforts not to coddle him. Jaehyun is taller and broader than him, wears fitting suits that look more expensive than Yuta’s entire bedroom set and drives a shiny black Mazda with custom leather seats, but Yuta has never felt small next to him.

*

It’s Yuta’s twenty-seventh birthday when Taeyong proposes a camping trip in Mapo-gu with the three of them, Jaehyun, Ten and another one of Taeyong’s friends from work. Doyoung, not wanting to dampen the mood by being critical, agrees to the idea despite the fact that he’ll have to share the same breathing space as Jaehyun for two entire days.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Yuta asks Taeyong after pulling him to the side, out of Doyoung’s earshot.

“Why not? It’s been years, he has to get used to seeing Jaehyun at some point. Jaehyun has moved on a long time ago and he needs to do the same.” Taeyong has a point, he always does, Yuta’s just a little bitter that he’s using his birthday as an excuse to play therapist. It’s true though, Jaehyun has had his fair share of girlfriends and occasional boyfriends after the breakup, if he still has any residual feelings for Doyoung, he does a good job of hiding it. There is something that seems to hold Jaehyun back from his relationships though but Yuta hasn't really figured that one out.

“I know that but we never asked if Jaehyun is okay with this.”

“He’ll be okay.” Yuta knows he will, because Jaehyun is too kind to turn down an invitation from Taeyong and for Yuta’s birthday too, nonetheless. Taeyong really put a lot of thought on this, “plus, it won’t be just us, Ten and Hendery will be there.”

Yuta can’t help but smile at the mention of Ten. Taeyong is not that much better than Doyoung when it comes down to it, so he’s glad he’s giving himself a chance this time. It’s not half-hearted like all the other times he tried dating, and he seems genuinely invested in Ten, because Taeyong let the younger ink him, the evidence sitting right above his elbow. Yuta likes Ten, because he’s cool and he complements Taeyong in ways Yuta and Doyoung can’t and he makes Taeyong happy.

“Whatever Yong, I have no choice but to trust you on this anyway.” Yuta groans out loud.

*

The camping goes as well as Yuta can imagine, Jaehyun sticks to him at every given chance because Taeyong is too busy being all over Ten and Hendery spends the entire time with his camera over his face. Yuta and Doyoung met Hendery a couple of times before and know he’s the type to be the life of the party, it’s most likely the reason Taeyong invited him of all people. But right now they see that that’s not always the case when he’s too preoccupied to notice he has company, “it’s his first time being outside Seoul, I think.” Yuta explains to a bewildered Jaehyun when they start setting up the burner stove and cookware in front of their tents and Hendery disappears in the woods with his camera.

This means Doyoung alternates between putting up with Ten and Taeyong and curling next to Yuta when Jaehyun’s not around. He misses this because Doyoung is the busiest between the three of them and Yuta’s almost forgotten how it feels like to be at the receiving end of the younger’s affections.

“Happy birthday Yuta.” Doyoung exhales against a can of beer, still plastered to Yuta’s side, when Taeyong whips out a tiny cake that’s a little crooked from mishandling. Hendery erupts into a drunken happy birthday song that gets them a few stares from other nearby campers. Ten hugs him in greeting and Taeyong places a sloppy kiss on his cheek. Jaehyun is, predictably, a quiet presence amongst the rowdy group, leaning against the side of the tent, looking just a little bit tipsy. He hasn’t been able to take up the space on the other side of Yuta since Doyoung claimed it and Yuta understands they still have a long way to go before they can comfortably be in each other’s company. He understands, but he also wishes Jaehyun can approach him without hesitation.

By complete accident, he meets Jaehyun’s gaze over the campfire, his glassy eyesreflecting the flames, lending him an otherworldly look. Yuta is the first to look away when Doyoung presses up against his side, always the clingy drunk that he is. The next time he looks up, Jaehyun has retreated into the tent he shares with Hendery and Ten, leaving nothing but three empty cans of beer in his place. Yuta doesn’t dwell on it and chugs the remaining beer in his can.

It’s a little past two in the morning when Yuta jolts awake from the quiet shuffling coming from outside the tent. His groggy mind supplies him with an image of some dangerous wild animal and almost flattens Taeyong’s platinum blonde head under his knee in his panic. Jaehyun has the nerve to stick his head through the tent flaps like he hadn’t just scared the wits out of Yuta.

“What is it?” Yuta gripes at Jaehyun when the latter pulls him out of the comfortable warmth of the tent and into the woods directly behind their camp. He has half a mind to put on a light windbreaker and is glad for it when a cool breeze hits them as soon as they enter a small clearing with a little pond. It’s unusually warm and humid for an October but it’s also in the middle of the night and he doesn’t want any more mosquito bites on top of the ones peppering his arms. Jaehyun shudders because he’s only in his t-shirt and Yuta’s about to reprimand him when he sees it, the yellow-green twinkling and dimming in harmony, briefly illuminating the undergrowth and leaving streaks of lights over the pond.

“I couldn’t sleep so I was taking a walk and saw them.” Jaehyun explains when Yuta turns to him, mouth slack with a mix of awe and disbelief. 

“Why would you walk on your own in the woods? Are you crazy? You should’ve woken me up earlier.” Yuta chides him because he deserves it for being careless but he also thinks this is amazing because he’s never seen fireflies around this time of the year and he can’t help but be captivated by the spectacle in front of them.

“Happy birthday, Yuta.” Jaehyun whispers after a short pause, completely ignoring Yuta’s very valid concerns. He pulls Yuta by the elbow and envelopes him in an awkward hug that reminds Yuta of that night from many years ago, in the backseat of Jaehyun’s first car, his face streaked with tears and his heart in pieces. There’s a light flutter in his stomach that he will later blame on the too-sweet cake Taeyong got him from who knows where.

*

When they return to Seoul a day later, Jaehyun hands him his gift at his apartment door. He doesn’t bother wrapping it, knowing Yuta doesn’t care much for such details and he looks pleased with himself when Yuta unboxes a pair of tall glasses that are just the right height for one of his empty kitchen cupboards.

*

Yuta drops the project he’s been working on halfway through, just a week before the deadline because ideas are far from forthcoming and the mental exhaustion has become unbearable. It’s a messy affair, with a lot of email exchanges and screaming over the phone. He’s tired and worn, and he doesn’t know what direction to take from there, so he calls Jaehyun and the latter parks outside his building fifteen minutes later.

“Let’s go somewhere.” He says, jogging to Jaehyun’s car and peering inside the passenger seat window. He’s only in his old sweatpants and a stretched out t-shirt with coffee stains on it and Jaehyun looks impeccable as always even in just a pair of jeans and button up shirt.

“Where to?”

“I don’t know, anywhere.” Jaehyun’s lips part in understanding after he takes in the dark bags under Yuta’s eyes.

“Okay, let’s go.” Jaehyun doesn’t say anything else, he waits for Yuta to buckle up and fills up his tank at the gas station before they go into the highway. He lets Yuta roll down his window, the wind buffeting them, leaving Yuta's hair a tangled and stiff mess. Live High plays in the background and Yuta takes deep breaths, the car smells like Jaehyun and it blankets Yuta with comfort.

Sometimes he feels like they’re going too slow but it doesn’t have anything to do with the speed they’re going. He wonders if this is how it feels like to be stuck in the same place while the rest of the world pass in a blur. There’s a hollowness in his chest that he can’t fill and it’s wearing him down, one day at a time.

“Do you also want to grab some snacks?” Jaehyun finally breaks the silence, his eyes firmly trained on the road ahead but he somehow sees Yuta’s feeble nod.

Jaehyun pulls up in a beach in Incheon, it’s already late so it’s empty and they have the entire place to themselves. Jaehyun doesn’t have any spare blankets in his car so they settle on sand and Yuta grumbles when it gets on his rice ball while Jaehyun laughs with his whole chest. He knows Jaehyun has work the next day but he stays with him for hours, not once asking what’s wrong because he doesn’t have to.

There’s something warm and relaxed about Jaehyun when he has his arms slung around Yuta’s shoulders, the breeze ruffling his long bangs and the smell of salt sharp in the air.

*

Ten and Taeyong officially move in together by the end of the year and while Yuta has been supportive of the relationship from the beginning, he also thinks they’re moving a little too fast. At their age, they can’t afford to be reckless anymore, they’re done with that part of their lives a long time ago.

“I thought you’re happy for me.” Taeyong grumbles, dropping himself unceremoniously on Yuta’s bed. Half of it is occupied by his collection of copic markers and paintbrushes and a few stray sketchbooks. He’s been trying to get back to it, trying to remember how his passion for art felt like. He’s getting there, slowly.

“I am, I really am Yong, but I also know you’re not ready, and Ten is so, so kind.” He nudges his bestfriend to make space for him on the bed and doesn’t mention anything when the older accidentally squishes a perfectly good paintbrush, “I don’t want you to hurt him because I know he means a lot to you.”

“Then when am I gonna be ready?” Taeyong asks as Yuta wraps himself around him in a comforting gesture. The thing is, Yuta doesn’t know either. He’s not been in any noteworthy relationship, he doesn’t know how love works when he’s never experienced anything close to it. He just knows it isn’t a good idea to be with someone when you’re still helplessly hung up over another. He knows Taeyong is trying and he tries too hard sometimes that Yuta’s afraid his bestfriend is going to burn himself out at some point.

Doyoung calls Yuta’s phone that evening and it goes straight to voicemail, when Yuta plays it on speaker he suddenly wishes he hadn’t when he feels Taeyong tense beside him, _“Is Taeyong with you? He’s not answering my calls. I wanted to ask you if we should plan a housewarming party for him and Ten.”_

_*_

Other than his physical attributes, Jaehyun has also grown more sociable over the years. Unlike in college, he makes friends more easily now and he gets along pretty well with some of his coworkers, he is in the marketing team after all and the skills come with the job. Yuta has met some of his coworkers before, he personally takes a liking to Mark who’s always so easygoing, exuding an aura of brightness that’s completely different from Jaehyun’s.

Yuta doesn’t see Jaehyun for two weeks ahead of an internal audit and when he does see him, it’s when Mark phones him close to midnight, asking him to please come pick up Jaehyun from a bar where they're celebrating the announcement of one of their managers’ wedding. Nights like this has become more frequent over the last few months and Yuta has started to think Jaehyun’s supervisors are shaping him up for a promotion with the amount of time they spend monitoring him in and out of the office. Yuta had a two-year headstart on Jaehyun but the latter has his life completely figured out while Yuta’s future keeps coming in and out of focus.

The trains have stopped running by the time Yuta makes it out of his apartment in the only decent, clean clothes he has left and he has to take an uber to the address Mark texted him because he has no fucking clue where it is.

That’s how he finds out about the girl Jaehyun has apparently been seeing.

“I would’ve called Sana but Jae insisted I called you instead, I guess it wouldn’t look good for her to show up here at this time anyway.” Mark says in a harmless way, much too chatty to be sober as Yuta observes Jaehyun’s current state under his snapback that’s meant to hide his long, blonde hair. He’s splayed across the table, his tie twisted loose and his jacket nowhere to be found.

He thanks Mark as he manhandles Jaehyun out of the bar, the blaring pop music fading into traffic noise as he drags him towards the taxi stand. He lets Jaehyun sit on the curb while he calls for another uber. Drunk Jaehyun is not that much different from normal Jaehyun, he’s just a lot smilier and the same level of quiet, so they wait for their ride in silence.

“So…Sana…I guess she’s Japanese?” Yuta breaks the uncomfortable silence because he’s genuinely curious. He thinks they’re close enough to warrant an explanation why his long time friend would purposely keep something like this a secret.

“Yeah.”

“I suppose you met her at work then.”

“Nah… she works at a cafe in my neighbourhood.” Jaehyun is an eloquent drunk and Yuta appreciates it, because it’s easy to fish for details. He’ll feel guilty about it later.

“She must be pretty, if she caught your eyes.” He knows for a fact that all of Jaehyun’s relationships after Doyoung had involved really beautiful people. He supposes Jaehyun has a certain type, except none of them really lasted, “how come you never mentioned her before?” he finally asks.

“She’s from Osaka…” Jaehyun doesn’t answer the question, only pressing the heel of his palm against his right eye over what seems like an incoming headache. Serves him right for drinking so much on a weeknight, Yuta thinks. “she has the same accent as you do.”

The admission rattles Yuta more than he lets on. He doesn’t say anything in response but he notices the way Jaehyun avoids looking in his direction. When their uber arrives, he slides in unassumingly next to the younger, supporting his weight as they drive away from bright lights and into the quiet neighbourhood of Jaehyun’s upscale condo in Seongsu-dong.

It isn’t until Yuta lets himself into the spacious apartment and deposits Jaehyun into his perfectly made bed that he comes to a staggering realisation. He doesn’t know when things have started to change between them but the evidence is everywhere: it’s the clothes Jaehyun leaves at his place, the security code to Jaehyun’s unit that he’s memorised by heart, the discount couch they chose together, the spare keys for Jaehyun’s mailbox that he has in his keyring, the fact that he knows garbage day and most of Jaehyun’s neighbours.

It’s glaringly obvious that Yuta stops to wonder how he’s never seen the signs up to now.

*

_“You didn’t stay the night.”_ Jaehyun calls him at six in the morning the next day, sounding way too normal for someone who just drank himself to oblivion the night before.

“No, I didn’t.” Yuta’s mind is still heavy with sleep and he’s unable form a proper response to that. He’s also too confused with whatever it is that has started to stir between them.

 _“Okay, just checking on you.”_ He hangs up right after Yuta groans in acknowledgment.

*

Johnny is in town for a visit when he hits them up one weekend, asking to meet up. The last time Yuta saw him is when they moved out of the dorms, one person at a time. Doyoung had been the first to go, moving in with his parents first until he got a good deal near Yonsei. Taeyong and Yuta moved out at the same time, temporarily renting a one-bedroom apartment in Itaewon before Yuta finally found his own space, leaving the apartment to Taeyong.

The rest of the international students next door stayed for a few more months except for Johnny who flew back to the US right after graduation. He mentioned about coming back to Korea eventually but that doesn’t seem to be any time soon, because he got his dream job in LA right off the bat. Some people are lucky like that.

Taeyong and Yuta pick him up from his hotel, throwing themselves at his towering form. It feels like they’re in college again where they only lose sleep over deadlines instead of some quarter-life crises. Doyoung catches up at the restaurant they take Johnny to after his class, reminiscing over proper food this time instead of pre-packaged supermarket meals.

“Xuxi found a job here and Kun is coming to visit next year.” Johnny goes on, hands flying in excitement and it’s the most animated Yuta’s seen him when he’s not drunk.

“Xuxi’s in Seoul? Wow, we had no idea.” Doyoung pipes up beside Taeyong, genuinely surprised.

“Not in Seoul, he’s in Busan. I’m heading there in a few days so I’ll see him.” Johnny smiles down at his pasta and Yuta’s phone chooses that moment to light up with a new text message. The phone is too close to Johnny’s plate that it’s impossible for him not to see. Yuta’s wallpaper is the picture they’d taken on his birthday at the campsite, it has Doyoung and Jaehyun on either side of him and the rest scattered in mayhem around them.

“Did you get back together with Jaehyun?” Johnny asks, it’s an innocent question but Yuta sees how it flusters Doyoung who averts his gaze almost immediately.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Oh,” Johnny looks between the three of them, confused, before understanding dawns on him, “ _Oh_. I’m sorry Doie.” Doyoung brushes it off but the effect is instantanous because he’s quiet after that.

When they send Johnny back to his hotel, Doyoung and Taeyong stay back in the taxi, while Yuta walks his six foot tall friend to the lobby. Johnny pauses for a second like he just remembered something before he fishes something out of his pocket. It’s his old USB, Yuta recognises the stickers and the keychain attached to it, having borrowed it many times in back college.

“I found a few old pictures, I was thinking of sending them to everyone but I figured it’s better I give them to you instead.” Yuta takes the USB, giving Johnny one last hug before he squeezes next to Doyoung in the backseat of the taxi.

“What was that?” Doyoung asks, watching them through the window the entire time.

“Nothing much, just something he borrowed and forgot to return.” The younger lets it go at that and leans against the window.

When Yuta gets home, he plugs the USB into his desktop and clicks on the untitled folder. Inside it are hundreds of pictures taken on different occasions. Yuta remembers each one of them; the first party they held at their dorm, Yuta’s third cartilage piercing, thanksgiving that Johnny insisted on celebrating with a whole roasted chicken because they can’t afford turkey, then a late Valentine’s day celebration with Jaehyun, who they just met back then. Scrolling further down, he finds pictures from their dance off on new year’s eve and a smile tugs on his lips at Taeyong’s carefree expression and Doyoung’s gummy smile. His smile dims at the next pictures.

They’re of him and Jaehyun tangled in a clumsy dance — Yuta’s face is turned away from Jaehyun’s, his eyes crinkling from the force of his laughter, Jaehyun’s glasses reflect the flash from the camera but his dimples hold onto the shadows, making them appear deeper. Yuta remembers the moment in perfect clarity, remembers the press of Jaehyun’s hands on his hips and the roar of Jaehyun’s laughter against his chest. 

It feels wrong looking at the picture, because it brings back emotions he doesn’t remember having and yet he prints out the picture before shutting down his computer, leaving it on the night table. The next morning, he flips it face down.

*

A movie adaptation of Jaehyun’s favourite book comes out in the theatres a few days after his birthday but he ends up doing overtime work at the office for weeks in a row and misses the showing dates. They’re supposed to see it with Taeyong, because Taeyong is into those kind of things and Yuta just goes with the flow.

Yuta sees how upset Jaehyun is over it and ponders how that one particular personality trait never changed over the years. So he suggests renting it and Jaehyun offers to cook dinner for them at his apartment. Yuta doesn’t own any fancy smart TV like Jaehyun does so he plugs his five-year-old mac into the TV while he waits for the food Jaehyun promised. The younger whips out Yuta’s favourite carbonara recipe with extra sauce and joins him on the couch where they eat in silence.

The movie doesn’t do the book justice, according to Jaehyun at least, but Yuta thinks it’s entertaining enough to keep his mind occupied until he has to worry about more important things. He's collecting their dirty dishes to dump them in the sink when Jaehyun grabs his wrist. Jaehyun doesn’t use enough force to throw his balance off but it startles him enough that he almost drops the plates.

“Jae—“ He turns back, ready to admonish him but the look on Jaehyun’s face stops him. The taller man tugs him softly, a silent plea for him to take a seat. Yuta follows warily, setting the plates on top of the coffee table.

“Hyung.” Jaehyun says in a steady voice. He holds Yuta’s gaze firmly and the older sees the underlying desperation in those almond eyes. “hyung.” he repeats, fiercely this time, his hand sliding down Yuta’s wrist, long, slim fingers tangling with his own one at a time, "I'm not seeing Sana anymore." Jaehyun's voice breaks at the end but it sounds no less melodic.

Yuta bites his lip unconsciously, he feels sick like he’s about to throw up but at the same time he doesn’t want Jaehyun to pull away. He wants it, but at the same time he doesn’t. He’s too focused on the rise and fall of Jaehyun’s chest and the warmth pulsing from their joined hands that he doesn’t hear the creaking of the door and the soft patters that follow.

“Yuta, you—oh…” Jaehyun snatches his hand away, running it through his hair in an effort to dispel some of the awkwardness while Yuta turns to face Taeyong in poorly disguised dread. It’s a Friday, he should’ve known Taeyong will come around to drop some of his home cooked food, he should’ve told him Jaehyun will be over, but he didn’t and now Taeyong is looking at him like he’s seeing Yuta for the first time.

*

“Aren’t you gonna say anything?” Yuta finally asks when he walks his bestfriend to the bus station, leaving a skittish Jaehyun on his couch.

“Whatever it is you get up to is not for me to judge, Yuta.” The response hurts him but he knows Taeyong doesn’t mean it that way, especially when he elaborates, softly, “You deserve to be happy too and if that's with _him_ then who am I to judge?”

When Yuta returns to his apartment Jaehyun has already left and he doesn’t hear from him again that night, nor the following days after.

*

Yuta’s ringtone is shrill against the quiet of his apartment. He startles awake from his nap and almost bangs his head against the coffee table trying to feel for his phone. He finds it under the couch only after it had gone quiet, and then it rings again, this time too close to his ears that he flinches away.

_“Were you sleeping?”_

“Yeah, so?” He’s prickly because he doesn’t like his sleep being interrupted and also because Jaehyun disappears for weeks without a single text message and then calls him out of nowhere like nothing happened.

_“It’s in the middle of the day.”_

“Again, so?”

 _“Hyung, can you not be a brat for a second?”_ Jaehyun must’ve figured its the wrong thing to say because he quickly back-pedals, _“I'm sorry, it’s just…”_ He sounds so unsure that Yuta doesn’t have the heart to be peeved.

 _“Will you go with me to Gangwon-do?”_ Yuta opens his mouth to ask before Jaehyun beats him to it. _"The company’s sending me there for a meeting, and then I have a day free for sightseeing.”_

The offer seems inconsequential but he knows there’s more to it than just accompanying an old friend on a business trip and it takes Yuta five whole seconds to answer, in those five seconds he runs every possibility in his head, “Okay. I’ll go.” he hears Jaehyun release the breath he’s been holding before he mutters a quiet, and sincere, _“Thank you."_

*

“That jacket looks big on you.” Doyoung points out during a lunch date and Yuta nearly chokes on the cherry tomato he’d been chewing. The statement catches him completely off guard not because Doyoung is still so frighteningly observant but because he also doesn’t realise it’s not his until Doyoung brought up the obvious. The jacket has been in his closet for months now, Jaehyun must have left it there at some point and it just slithered in between his own clothes as naturally as Jaehyun fit into his life despite everything that’s changed around them.

It shouldn’t mean anything but Yuta’s cheeks colour in shame. He ducks his head and reaches for his drink out of habit. When Yuta doesn’t immediately respond, Doyoung pries even harder, “are you seeing anyone right now?”

“I’m not.” Yuta denies almost as quick and he must look suspicious getting all defensive like that because Doyoung breaks into a devious smirk.

“I’d be really disappointed if you are and you’re keeping it from me.” His expression morphs into a delighted one before Doyoung continues, “you know I’m here for you right? I might be missing a lot of the actions but I want to be there for you and Taeyong when you need me.”Yuta’s stomach feels like a dense brick and he bites his cheeks when he unconsciously flashes back to Jaehyun lacing their fingers together tenderly. His throat closes up in guilt and he’s unable to meet Doyoung’s eyes when he replies,

“I know, Dons.”

_*_

Yuta makes no point to tell either Taeyong or Doyoung about being out of town for a couple of days because there’s bound to be questions and Yuta’s nowhere near ready to answer any. He packs just enough clothes in a duffel bag and quietly waits for Jaehyun in front of his building, casually shooting a cursory glance around him in case any of his bestfriends decides to pay him an impromptu visit. He doesn't like how it feels like he's doing something extremely dubious when all he's doing is unraveling the web of emotions that's taken over his thoughts.

They arrive in Chuncheon before sunset where Jaehyun booked them a twin room on the tenth floor of a business hotel. The view isn’t anything special, they’re surrounded by a few other smaller buildings with lake Soyang visible in the distance. They don’t talk about anything remotely related to the incident at Yuta’s apartment, at least not until Jaehyun wraps up his meetings the next morning and comes back to the hotel with a determined look on his face.

“Let’s go.” the taller man says and they drive for another hour and half through winding forest-fringed roads, arriving at the base of a massive mountain. The sun has set by the time they reach the temple at the base of it, on foot. It lies just ahead of where the forested trails start.

“As much as I like this idea of yours I don’t think we’re dressed appropriately for a hike.” Yuta says when Jaehyun doesn’t show any sign of slowing down. The younger man is still in his work suit and Yuta’s jeans and converse are hardly the best combination for uneven footing.

“Don’t worry, we’re not climbing up the mountain.”

“What are we here for then?” Yuta jogs next to Jaehyun who’s a few paces in front of him. They come to a stop in an area shrouded by trees. It’s too dark to see anything past the point of an eerie-looking warning sign.

“To see the fireflies.”

“In April?” Yuta stays rooted in place, listening to Jaehyun’s steady breathing and the sound of leaves rustling in the wind. “I think it’s too early to see any.” he says again when they see no blinking lights.

“You’re right.” Jaehyun exhales softly after a time, slowly turning around.

“We can see them in summer.” Yuta calls after him, noticing the slight shift in the air but Jaehyun doesn’t say anything back. He tries not to dwell on the fact that the younger man drove them over a hundred kilometres to see fireflies in April but it lingers at the back of his mind as they retrace their steps back to the car.

“Jaehyun.” he tries another time and Jaehyun stops mid step. He can’t see the man’s face but he sees the tension in his shoulders and the way he clenches his fists, “look at me.”

Jaehyun does as told and Yuta finally sees the turmoil boiling in those dark eyes. The taller man takes measured steps towards him and only stops when he’s a hair’s breadth away, their noses nearly brushing. He reaches out tentatively, as if the smallest movement is enough to break the spell. Yuta responds by wrapping his hands around Jaehyun’s neck, feeling his throat bob against his palm.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says, and then he’s kissing Yuta deep. Jaehyun kisses like he’s drowning, he chases for Yuta’s breath as if to steal it and moans into his mouth like he’s living the last seconds of his life. Jaehyun tilts his head to the side gently, guiding the slighter man through the slow, languid slide of lips until Yuta has memorised the shape of Jaehyun’s mouth against his own. 

He feels the vibration from Jaehyun’s throat as his arms circle Yuta’s waist, the ticklish sensation a familiar and jarring reminder of the last time they'd been in this position. The guilt is back and it swirls in his stomach like acid fire but then Jaehyun’s bangs brushes against his eyelashes and his teeth nips at Yuta’s already swollen lip and Yuta knows this is it, there’s no going back. 

*

Back at the hotel Yuta digs his fingers in the sheets as Jaehyun drives into him from behind, hands tight around his hips. Yuta feels the press of lips on the dip of his back and lets his tears run free.

*

“I’m sorry but I can’t do this.” he cries, his entire body heavy with shame, regret and indecision. Yuta still thinks he’s very much like a wave, meant to rumble with the intensity of his greed and longing before fading into a distant memory. Jaehyun doesn’t need that kind of uncertainty in his life and Yuta’s not brave enough to try.

“I know. I’ve known all along.” _that’s why I never said anything._

*

Taeyong and Ten call it quits only months after they’ve moved in together. Yuta wants to tell Taeyong ‘I told you so’ but he knows that’s not what Taeyong needs to hear.

They parted on good terms, Taeyong explains, because Ten is much too understanding and forgiving but Yuta knows it’s really because it isn’t a secret how hard Taeyong really tried to give Ten what he wants, but some things just don't work like they should.

Yuta watches Taeyong pull out an old pack of cigarettes he swore never to touch again after he got together with Ten. He doesn’t have the heart to stop him, because this is how Taeyong lets his inhibitions go; he's straightforward and unapologetic but he keeps such a tight lid over his emotions that he has to let some of it drain somehow. Yuta rummages through his kitchen drawers (silently noting the absence of Ten’s personal trinkets) and throws him a bag of jellies. 

“So...are you looking for a new roommate right now?” He clears his throat, ready to offer to move in if only to make Taeyong feel a little less alone. He doesn’t have any personal attachments to his current place apart from the various things he’s collected over the years which he can readily pack into a box any time. 

“No...Yuta, I know this isn’t how I’m supposed to tell you this.” Taeyong cradles his head in his hands, the embers of his half smoked cigarette bright between his fingers, “I’m going away, maybe for a long time. I got an offer in Beijing.” 

“Oh...” Yuta’s heart clenches in his chest at the news. Taeyong and Doyoung have been the only family he’s known since he moved to Korea by himself. He doesn’t want to know what life will be like without either of them, “Yong...” he bursts into tears right then and Taeyong seems to have seen it coming because he has a tissue box conveniently at his feet. 

“What would I do without you?” Yuta sobs and Taeyong rubs a comforting circle on his back but it barely dampens the misery he feels at the moment. 

“You have Doyoung, and then there’s Jaehyun. You’ll be fine. I have to do this Yuta.” He doesn’t want to be selfish, doesn’t want Taeyong to feel guilty about his decisions. Taeyong works so hard and does so much for him that Yuta knows he can't take this away from him. 

“You’re different.”

“Everyone is.” Taeyong pulls him closer while being careful not to burn him, “I know these past years have been rough but…I want you to be able to stand proud on your own, Yuta.”

“I’m not so sure about that, I’m not exactly the picture perfect example of a functional adult.” Taeyong huffs a laugh and laces their fingers together, “I know that but you’ll figure it out, some day.. Also, you know you’ll have to tell Jaehyun how you really feel eventually.”

Taeyong doesn’t know it yet but there’s absolutely no need for words between him Jaehyun at this point, he’s positive Jaehyun knows exactly what it is he feels for him, it’s just a matter of getting over his fears and finding the courage to take that step forward.

“You’re one to talk when you never told Doyoung about how you feel.” He counters because if Taeyong thinks he should risk it all, then Taeyong should do the same. And perhaps a small part of him hopes the older will stay if Doyoung ends up somehow returning his feelings.

Except, he doesn’t anticipate the next words that come out of the other’s mouth, “I did tell him.”

“Wha- when?!”

“Back in college, when I’d pissed him off during movie night, when he’d ran home and I ran after him.” Everything that happened after suddenly makes sense to Yuta, the lingering glances, the awkward silence, Taeyong’s sudden aversion to being alone with Doyoung and the unfortunate demise of one of their dining chairs.

“What...what happened?” Yuta has a vague idea, looking at where they are now but he still wants to hear it from Taeyong.

“He didn’t feel the same way then and he never did after all these time. You see,” Taeyong looks him straight in the eye when he continues, “not everything falls into place as naturally as it does with you and Jaehyun. Some love stories will be just that, stories that you’re going to look back on and be a little sad over. I know you still think of Doyoung every time you look at Jaehyun but I want you to do this for yourself.” Taeyong breathes in deeply, he smells like smoke and his earthy perfume and Yuta absently traces one of his many tattoos on his arms.

“You need to stop making it about Doyoung because this is between you and Jaehyun and it’s not your fault that Doyoung doesn’t fucking know how to move on.” His tone wavers at the end and Yuta knows his words are not meant for Doyoung alone.

“I wish you’d just fallen for me instead, everything would’ve been much simpler.” Yuta mumbles because he’s sure he can love Taeyong easy if it were him. He knows he will take all of him without a second thought.

“I don’t think so,” The older takes another drag from the stick, “You would still have met Jaehyun anyway, you would still have fallen in love with him one way or another. Some things just happen that way.”

* 

Yuta meets Doyoung for the first time in the living room of the dorm where he'll live the next four years of his life. He’ll remember him by the thick glasses perched on top of his nose and his temperamental nature, and later by his unfailing devotion to making sure Yuta’s okay, like a fretful mother. Taeyong comes into their lives and fills in the gaps where their personalities coextends without ever meeting.

The years will slowly chip away at what they’ve worked so hard to build but Yuta is determined to save what remains even if it’s at his own expense. Except this time it’s not only his heart on the line, this time there’s a Jaehyun and Yuta where there was once a Jaehyun and Doyoung.

Yuta thinks he might go down as the worst friend in history for falling in love with his bestfriend’s ex knowing how much the said bestfriend still wallowed in regret over the love lost and missed chances. He wants to do right by Doyoung, even if it means he might lose him, so he heads to the younger man’s apartment a little past eight in the evening. He knows Doyoung’s work finishes at seven and his route from Yonsei takes approximately fifteen minutes by commute. He knows Doyoung doesn’t make any unplanned detours, always a man of consistency, so Yuta holds his breath when he rings the door bell the first time because there's no more turning back from here.

It’s hardly the first time Yuta visited unannounced so Doyoung doesn’t look anything beyond a little surprised to find him behind the door. The taller must’ve noticed the grim look on his friend’s face because he ushers him in in a heartbeat.

“Is this about Taeyong?” Yuta follows him to the kitchen where Doyoung pulls a glass out of a cupboard and fills it with prepackaged iced tea.

“No.”

Doyoung hands him the glass and possibly senses his distress because he asks softly, “Yuta…do you want to sit down for this?”

The shorter man shakes his head and sets the glass on the counter, his senses are starting to get clouded with uncertainty, his courage seeping through the seams of his resolve.

“This is about Jaehyun, isn’t it?”

Before Doyoung can get another word out, Yuta sinks to his knees and plants his palms on the floor. His friend panics for a moment, thinking Yuta’s collapsed before he finally realises what he’s doing.

“Yuta…”

“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry Dons, I didn’t mean to.” he takes a shuddering breath, “I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. I’d take it all back if I can, I will but I can’t anymore. I’m so sorry.”

He expects Doyoung to lash out, a slap or two but it seems he underestimated the extent of his friend’s kindness when Doyoung lowers himself on his knees and engulfs Yuta in a hug. Yuta melts into it like every damn time and he feels the burn of unshed tears behind his eyelids.

“We haven’t been together for years.” He says but Yuta hears it, the pain of betrayal and he can’t pretend not to know about the single dried primrose Doyoung still keeps between the pages of his favourite book. He hates that Doyoung still manages to appear composed despite his pain, hates that Doyoung will always choose to be rational over letting his emotions run free.

“But you still love him.”

“And that’s completely on me. Jaehyun is free to love whoever he wants.” Doyoung pulls away so he can properly look at Yuta before he adds, “I want to say that it’s okay and it’s not any different from all the other times Jaehyun dated after us but I know that’s not the case this time.” the younger rubs his eyes with his knuckles and Yuta recognises it as the precursor to Doyoung’s tears, except they don’t come. 

He looks drained, like he’s ran himself down over and over.

“You should’ve chased after him, he would’ve taken you back, back then.” Yuta blurts out instead, because he wants Doyoung to see the extent of his betrayal. He wants him to understand what Yuta is taking from him. He wants him to be angry, anything is better than resignation.

“But I don’t want his pity, Yuta, and I don’t want yours either. He made his decision and moved on and I think…I think I have to do the same.” Doyoung pulls him to his feet, leading him to one of the pristine, white leather stools next to the counter.

“I’m sorry…” he says again and Doyoung still looks relatively calm but Yuta knows he’s starting to get frustrated.

“Did I ever tell you something he told me before he broke up with me?” Yuta shakes his head, a part of him doesn’t really want to know.

“He asked me if I knew what it’s like to fall in love with someone so gradually you don’t realise you’ve been in love all along.” A rueful sigh escapes Doyoung’s lips, “I thought he was talking about me but I know we didn’t happen like that. Our love was intense, paralysing, it was never the slow and creeping kind. I realised much, much later who it was he'd meant all along.” 

Doyoung squeezes Yuta’s hand, “I think he was already a little bit in love with you back then.”

Yuta wants to tell him that isn’t true, he wants to wipe the sadness off Doyoung’s tired face and replace it with all the happiness in the world but then he remembers he can’t. Because he can’t love Jaehyun and make Doyoung happy at the same time.

It just doesn’t work like that.

*

The monsoon rain shows no signs of abating for days and Yuta finally makes the long overdue phone call while watching droplets race down his window panes. Jaehyun picks up on the third ring and immediately adopts a perfunctory tone.

“I’m getting a new piercing, do you wanna come with?” Yuta asks in one breath, not caring if he sounds a bit like a jerk right now. No more apologies, because Yuta knows that's the last thing Jaehyun wants to hear.

 _“Today?”_ Jaehyun says not even a heartbeat later, also done pretending.

“Yes, today.”

He calls Taeyong ahead of time because he doesn’t want to alarm him when he shows up unannounced with Jaehyun in tow. They lock gazes at a traffic light after Jaehyun picks him up and Yuta turns the radio down so it’s nothing but a soothing hum in the background. They arrive in Apgujeong where Ten is already waiting for him with carefully selected jewellery that fit right into Yuta’s usual choices. Ten and Taeyong exchange meaningful looks when Jaehyun walks in behind him.

“I was thinking of something a little different this time.” The conversation piques Jaehyun’s interest because he steps closer to Yuta, subtly listening in.

“Oh? What kind of different?”

“A barbel, here.” Yuta points to his chest and almost immediately he feels Jaehyun stiffen beside him. Taeyong chortles in the background, calling Yuta a nutcase before Ten pulls him to the private room where he’ll get his piercing done. He plants his feet firmly after a few steps, pulling Ten to a stop with him, “Can he come with me?”

The shorter man nods with a grin and Yuta extends his hand in Jaehyun’s direction. He sees the other blink in confusion and then realisation, and finally, a small smile tugs on his lips, his dimples making a debut after what seemed like a lifetime. Yuta feels a bit breathless and his stomach is tight when Jaehyun gingerly reaches out, taking measured steps towards him to link their hands together.

In that moment, it’s like the entire world is closing in on them. Next to him, Jaehyun is warm, solid and real and he’s Yuta’s.

 _So this is how it feels like_ , he realises.

*

Yuta holds his t-shirt away from his newly pierced nipple while they stand in front of the shop, waiting for the rain to subside just enough so that they won’t be completely drenched on the way back to the car.

“You’re one impulsive asshole, do you know that.” Jaehyun says beside him while Yuta pretends not to see the tips of his ears still tinted red.

“I am impulsive but this time, I’m also sure.” He looks up and feels the coil of affection unfurl in his chest. Jaehyun leans down at the same time Yuta pushes up on the tips of his toes, and they finally, _finally_ meet halfway.

*

  
The day they send Taeyong to the airport is filled with tears and promises of new beginnings. Taeyong’s family, Doyoung, Ten, Yuta and Jaehyun are all there. It’s Yuta’s first long goodbye after leaving his family in Osaka and he knows there will always be a Taeyong-sized void in his life until his bestfriend is ready to return to them. It could be months, or it could be years, for now, he'll wait.

He watches Doyoung freely cry into Taeyong’s shoulders, clinging onto him as if that will make up for the five hundred ninety one miles they will now have between them. Yuta wonders how it would have played out had Doyoung felt anything close to what Taeyong felt for him. From an outsider’s point of view, they look like a pair of lovers saying their temporary goodbyes, but to Yuta, they’re the love that never got to be, a love that will be just another memory in a few more years.

Yuta holds onto Taeyong tight when it’s his turn and buries his face in the crook of the older’s neck, “Do your best out there, I’m so proud of you.” he whispers through the tremor in his voice. Taeyong breaks down in his arms, clutching onto Yuta’s sweater as he whispers back, “and I’m just as proud of you, Yuta.”

*

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Yuta asks, swinging their joined hands when Jaehyun only smiles at him in response.

“It’s okay hyung. I don’t think it’s a good idea. We should give him time.” Yuta’s expression melts into fond look.

“You know him pretty well.”

“I did date him for two years. He’ll be okay, I know he will, but I don’t think seeing me will help.” Yuta gives his hand a squeeze before he steals a quick kiss from his boyfriend’s lips.

“Okay, give me the tarts then, I won’t be long.” Jaehyun reaches into the backseat and carefully hands Yuta the box of twelve blueberry tarts from Doyoung’s favourite bakery near their old dorms. Doyoung's apartment building casts a shadow over the car, and Jaehyun twirls a lock of Yura's newly darkened hair between his fingers before leaning back against the seat.

“Tell him I said happy birthday,”

“I will.”

Jaehyun tugs Yuta back when he unlocks the passenger seat door, “I love you.” he says firmly and Yuta feels the words all the way down to his toes. His eyes flicker briefly to the picture pinned to the sun visor on the driver’s seat side — the one where they were dancing to Michael Bublé on new year’s eve many years ago.

He brings their hands to his lips and hums against the back of Jaehyun’s hand, “I love you too.”

*

When Jaehyun meets Yuta for the first time, he’s missing his glasses after forgetting them in his gym locker.

Through hazy vision he sees Yuta amongst the small crowd in front of the bakery. His baby pink jacket that looks too big around the shoulders and too short to be warm enough for Seoul’s winter mornings, stands out like a sore thumb. Jaehyun can’t get a proper look at his face because he's behind him in the queue and only remembers him from the funny way he speaks when he tries to convince the bakery owner to give him old tarts. It has nothing to do with his obvious accent and everything to do with the way his eyes droop in disappointment and then widen ever so slightly in excitement when Jaehyun approaches him. He brims with uninhibited emotions, like a force of nature contained in a crystal jar.

He lies about not wanting the tarts anymore — they’re the only ones his boyfriend will eat and they’re pretty hard to get — but only because the guy looks like he’s in a real pinch and Jaehyun somehow can’t stand the look of distress on his face.

Jaehyun doesn’t get his name because Doyoung’s picture flashes across his phone screen. He almost forgets they’re supposed to meet up for breakfast. When he looks up again, the guy in the pink jacket is gone, leaving only the curious memory of his wide smile.

**Author's Note:**

> So a few things:  
> \- the title 'october firefly' refers to jaehyun here. you don't really see fireflies in fall unless its particularly warm and that rarely happens so late in october. it's meant to signify something rare, a once in a lifetime thing, and jaehyun is yuta's once in a lifetime  
> -primroses mean so many things but among them is young love and new beginnings. the bouquet jaehyun's gifts doyoung on their graduation represents him letting go of his first love to make way for a new one
> 
> I don't think i did the idea much justice to be honest, but i tried to write it as close to how i imagined it in my head. by the end of this fic, whether yuta and doyoung ever go back to how they were pre-jaehyun or whether or not taeyong gets over his unrequited love will be left open to interpretation.
> 
> i honestly feel so bad for dotae and taeten but i wanted to keep it as realistic as possible. i should probably write a happier fic for them at some point.
> 
> anyways, I've never done multiple pairings in a one-shot before so i'd love to see what you think in the comments uwu


End file.
